Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What is WRONG with me?! Part I

Today I'm venting the current, but need to begin by explaining some past. I'm sure I'll vent about the details of what I mention today later on, or if I cant stop.... maybe today too.
Past: As I have mentioned my boyfriend of two years and I split a little over two months ago. This was a devastating separation for me in particular for multiple and what I consider to be understandable reasons.

  1. He was my first of EVERYTHING. He was my first boyfriend or remotely romantic relationship of any sort. He was my first date, my first kiss, my first "I love you", and my first uh.... everything else (don't hate me Forsyth). Anything you could ever imagine being done in a relationship was first and so far only done with him. As any girl out there will tell you, you never forget the guys who first gave you any ONE of those really special things, and ALWAYS hold a special place in their heart for those guys.
  2. He gets to drop two years of my love and devotion like they were nothing and just pick up with this new girl while I'm left to wallow in my own self-pity. And no one can see why this girl was worth all this. She isnt at all fat, but I'm noticably thinner. She has a moustache. And the girl freaking has NO FRIENDS. Anything she does, she does alone with her sister. She doesnt talk to anyone, and no one has any desire to talk to her. You know why? The girl is absolutely without a doubt off her rocker. She is completely psycho. She has been obsessed with him since we started going out 2 years ago. They went out in 8th grade but she dumped him after a week. Then she was really good friends with him all of freshman year and sophomore year. But she never did anything then. But sophomore year when we started going out, all of a sudden she was calling him and wanting to go out. I said fine because it wasnt until over a year later that I found out from someone else that she was in fact his ex (even though I had suspected it and asked him repeatedly). But when they went out other girls were supposed to go. But somehow the other girls always seemed to cancel at the last minute and it would end up being just the two of them. The second time that happend, I caught on, and said if he wanted to be with her againn, I would have to go along. So that stopped for.... oh about 3 months. Then I got a call from a good friend of mine asking where he had been that Saturday. I had been shopping, and he had said he was ato home. With no initial reason to be worried i replied with confidence until she asked if I was sure. I knew what it was. He had taken her out to a movie, and lied to me about it, and this girl was talking to the world about it in front of people who would obviously tell me. Whore. So I was of course, a mess, and I called him and gave him one more chance to tell me the truth. When I asked, he knew I knew and just remained silent. Coward. So I'm bawling and start saying that's it, were through. When the least expected happened. He started crying, and saying all the right things and sounded sincere. I took him back. Boy was I stupid. So about 2 months after that, she starts calling again and saying stuff like "I love you, I want you to dump Ashley". Well we were still rocky and he really did want to make things work. So he told me everything and asked me how I wanted him to handle it. I'm not a complete bitch so I just stood there as he called her and told her how he didnt want her ever calling him and how much he loved me. Thats when she DID in fact go nuts. A couple days later, he was at my house, and she lives in the back of my neighborhood. When he went to leave, we happened to notice a perfectly centered, mostly straight, neat key line from the nose of his truck allllllllllll the way to the end of the bed on the driver's side. We both knew it was her. He had a class with her that Monday and happened to casually mention the fact that someone keyed his truck. Her response? "It wasn't me" thats a direct quote. The next weekend, at about 2 am, her and a group of her friends drove 20 minutes to his house to t.p. it. So in conclusion, she has since convinced him that it was not her that keyed his car. And somehow he has chosen this ugly, psychotic, bitch of a girl over me. Oh and I dont want to leave out that since all this has happened I have recieved numerous crank calls from a girl who has since "befriended" her because they have a mutual hate of myself. And that girl is a whole OTHER crazy story.
  3. Another reason this has sucked is because of his little sister who I grew to love as my own sister. She is the cutest sweetest thing and is only 4 years younger than I, so I LOVED being her cool big sister. About a week ago she imed me and it was the first we had talked since everything happened. And I just started to cry. I felt like the mother who had to explain a divorce to her children. All this poor girl knew was that her brother was no longer with me, but someone else. She had found out about a month after it happened and from her parents. She started asking me what happened, and then proceeded to beg me that we get back together. "He's so different" she says. "I dont like being around him anymore..... the little I am around him now". She talks about how he blows her off, and pays her no mind. What my bf and I used to do was all three of us go out to a movie or a theme park. She loved it. She got to spend a day with her big brother and her new big sister (all she has are brothers). It really meant a lot to her. And just the two of us girls would have mall and movie days. And the best part was that none of it was ever to get along with the family better. I genuinely loved spending time with her. She calls me now and sounds so sad and tells me how much she misses her big sis, and still talks about how she wants us to get back together so that everything will be normal and perfect again. Ihate that this has any affect on her whatsoever, because it shouldnt. At all. His parents were reportedly disappointed at the news as well. So far the new couple are the only ones benefiting. (I also hate having to explain to her why IF we ever do get back together it will have to be a while from now, because I cant trust him just yet, and hoping she understands)
  4. The last reason this has sucked so bad for me is because of how hes choosing to handle it. When we actually broke up, he said he wanted it to be just a break, and that we would get back together in a while. I said, ok, in a month. He hesitated and said he needed longer because he wanted to take her to prom, but not to worry, because he "probably wouldnt even sleep with her". Thanks man! So currently in his mind were still on a break, but allowed to see other people. So we didnt speak at all for like the first month. But all of a sudden he starts im-ing me. And continues to do so. Sometimes he starts then says he wants to talk so he calls. I have not once initiated either means of communication, but he does so 3-4 times a week. About 3 times since that started he has talked about our future together. About how much he miusses me and how he thinks im the most perfect beautiful creature to grace the earth. He even started talking seriously about the things I wanted to talk about before we split, and I suspect thats why we split. Things like next year and where we would go to school, if we would live together, and even talking about getting married. He said he wanted to move in together over summer, and started talking about "when were married" well live in Chicago or something. And he still talks to me. A couple times they were OBVIOUS booty calls. But mostly we talk about what we think we did wrong, and what we should have done to work things out. I had presented him with all those things when we were together, but now I think he gets it, and is always like wow. Thats so what was happening,and thats exactly what I was thinking. He gets it now. And I understand a lot more as well. If we had figured all this out sooner, there is no doubt in my mind that we couldnt have been happier with each other. But anyways he keeps talking to me, which to me is a sign that he is not happy, because he says he knows that his "gf" would be mad at him for talking to me. But he justifies it with, "well were just on a break, so were really still together". but through it all he keeps pushing that I see other people. Which brings me to my current dilemma. however, I have written a buttload of stuff and am now tired. So I guess we covered the past today, and will continue with the present another day. (forsyth i really dont want you to be mad at me, because i know you are, but doing all that is really helping me figure a lot of stuff out. I promise...)

Monday, May 09, 2005

Welcome to my life

A woman who has essentially become my mother this year inspired me to begin a blog of my own. I used to write in journals quite frequently and found it to be a relaxing outlet for my many over-dramatized feelings during the difficult years of middle school. Since I entered high school, I no longer found a need for that since I had become in some respects "emotionally stable", and was nothing but content with my new life, and most importantly, myself. Things were bliss for 3 1/2 years of high school. I hit a speed bump here and there, but things like my parent's divorce were easliy coped with since my new and first boyfriend arrived on the scene. For 2 full years we were inseperable and he got me through some tough times. We had our problems like any other stupid high school romance, but we were both so in love that we overcame them all. Until a little over 2 months ago when my perfect world slowly came crashing down around me. He, a week after our 2 year anniversary, out of nowhere with no warning, left me for a girl who had been obsessed with him since we started going out. After that my life was quickly shot to hell. I was kicked off the tennis team (my only outlet and passion at the time) because I refused to go out with my coach. Administation got "involved" but he still works there, so I dont consider that "involvement" enough. Next, my grandmother went in for a routine check-up one day and two days later she was in th O.R. for ovarian cancer and is currently undergoing chemo. And then there is the ongoing "are mom and dad getting back together?" "does mom hate dad again?" drama that I am always in the middle of. And now I have two weeks until I graduate, and am facing my last week of high school. My mind is forever buzzing. There's always something to stress about.
So this will be my life online. Somedays I may use it to tell about my day or w/e, but other days I will probably just vent about whats happened in the past so that I can move on from it. Your feedback (good or bad) is appreciated and welcomed.
Here goes nothing.....